Emails to whole family

July 11th to July 13th

Email #1 From: David Bradley To: Entire family (four step-siblings, their four spouses, two biological siblings, their two spouses, my step-mother, my father) Jul 11th at 4:07 PM

Hi all,

I sent this to my Dad today: “I won’t be talking to anyone in the family again until I know that you can’t threaten my financial security.”

The majority of times we've had a big problem or disagreement, someone's run to my Dad and he's tried to "make things better" by taking control of my bank account. That's just not working for me anymore at least. So I'm done with this for now.

This isn't to say that I haven't done anything wrong or upsetting. It's just that the consequences for me doing those things have not been okay. You can get back to me when we can speak without me fearing repercussions for saying or doing something wrong or upsetting.

David

Email #2 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 11 at 4:09 PM

It's obvious probably, but I meant to say "...without me fearing financial repercussions...."

Email #3 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 11 at 4:23 PM

To send one more email, it's also not to say that I have done something wrong. I don't know that I have. I concede though that I've upset people. That's not something I like. For what it's worth, though, it's happened in the other direction, too.

Email #4 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 11 at 4:40 PM

Also, if we never talk again, peace.

Email #5 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 11 at 7:59 PM

I don't like sending yet another email, but after this I'm going to lose the ability to tell my side of the story. Therefore I want to document what was said so that no one can lie about it later. I don't like doing this, but I don't know another good way forward.

Let me say off the bat that none of this is to say that I don't have mental health problems. I very much have had mental health problems. But my Dad is not going to do anything to help them, and I am done--absolutely done-- working with him or anyone who speaks to him until he has no influence or control of my finances.

Quoted below is the relevant part of the email I received from my Dad last December after he got mad that I called Anne a cuss word (yes, that's what actually triggered all of this; him trying to mediate a fight over me, a 35-year-old, calling my sister, who's also 35, a cuss word). He quickly changed the topic to my unnamed behaviors in "various situations". Notice that the only action my Dad considers taking is restricting money from my bank account. There's no asking what's going on. There's no asking if his assumptions about me not being on medication or seeing a therapist are correct. There's no compassion. There's no trying to get an understanding of what I've thought or am thinking. There's "concern", but if you'll notice, your boss is "concerned" when she's trying to fire you.

I didn't just accept his lack of compassion and shut down; not did I just accept his lack of interest in me and shut down. I spent about 20 more emails telling my him exactly what I would like--basically asking him to be curious about what was going on and see if something else would be better to do--and seeing if he would give it to me. He wouldn't. Throughout a very long email exchange, he did not ask one, single question about what happened from my perspective, why I had acted the way I had, or what I thought I needed. It's bad enough anywhere to be on the receiving end of a blatant power play like that (justified by his "concern"), but it's just intolerable for someone who acts like that to have control over my finances.

Whatever you think about my interactions with you in the last year, hopefully you agree that restricting money to my bank account doesn't count as compassion, concern, or healthcare. If you want to know what this is like, think about what you've felt from the recent bout of news coverage about Britney Spears. I'm really not kidding. My Dad should not be anywhere near control over my finances. From my Dad:

"I have been spending a lot of time thinking about you and what you are going through. I am genuinely concerned about you. So are your siblings, step siblings, and [his wife, my step-mom]. Our observations of your behaviors in various situations over the last year and notably for the past few months are the reason for our concerns. You have called your sister vicious and vulgar names. Your step siblings have witnessed yelling and cursing. I am aware you left to go to Tampa around mid-night 3 or so weeks ago. This behavior is both unpredictable and at times inappropriate. And these types of things have become more frequent this year. This combined with your recent essay suggests you are no longer seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist to help treat your condition. We are all concerned for your health and well-being.

I am not certain of when your condition manifested itself, but I do know it became more severe after your trust started making payouts to you in large sums. The first $105,000 came out in 2012. There were other distributions that were smaller in the 2013-2015 time period and this was when you were hospitalized at Houston Behavioral, Shoal Creek, and Menninger. The partnership then began making distributions of over $100,000 per year to your trust starting in 2016. I do not know if there is a connection between your choices regarding therapy and medication and the resultant behaviors and managing large sums of money. There may not be, but it is appropriate to consider whether there is a connection. Therefore, we are going to make a change.

I am limiting the amount of payments from the partnership to the trusts in a different way than in years past. I am doing this because we believe it will be easier for you to manage and because the trusts are spendthrift trusts. I do not believe it is prudent for a person with the behavior described previously to be responsible for large amounts of cash. Therefore, you will be receiving funds monthly from the trustee after expenses and taxes are accounted for by the trustee. The trustee will also start to build additional funds in the savings account to assist with emergencies like health care costs not covered by insurance such as hospital stays, medication, other medical needs, or other things, depending on their nature.

The payments from the partnership are considering your monthly expenses, which we understand are rent at $2300/ month and remaining expenses for utilities, food, car, medications and therapy, health insurance (make sure you sign up before December 15), and other miscellaneous necessities such that $4000/month should be adequate. I realize your actual costs may be different than our expectations, so actual reasonable costs need to be discussed with the trustee to confirm an appropriate monthly payment. Your tax obligations once determined would need to be distributed by the trust to you at the time they are due. We all believe you can reign in the unpredictable behaviors with therapy and medications.

David, we are taking these actions because we love you and want you to be able to enjoy your life and not always suffer from the feeling that you are dying. We all just want the best for you."

^^^^^^^That is not healthcare. That's not even concern about the person you're talking to. That's being predatory and trying to convince yourself and the person you're talking to that you care about them.

I wrote back: "Hey Dad,

Unfortunately, this is an example of you making a decision without having talked to me first. That's not going to result in anything good. As you said, "I do not know if there is a connection between your choices regarding therapy and medication and the resultant behaviors and managing large sums of money." One thing you could do, which I recommended over and over again in the email exchanges we recently had is talk to me. You could actually talk to me and ask questions instead of doing things which you think are my best interest. You could actually gather information and learn something about what's going on instead of just acting on what might be true.

To quote a previous email from you: "Going forward I will ask you directly about how you're doing." You sent that on October 14th of this year. That's less than 5 weeks ago. Do you really want to make these mistakes again and do something just because it feels good to do something? Or do you want to do what's effective and helpful?

Best, DB

P.S. I strongly suspect [my sister] left out the details of why I called her those names because they reflect badly on her. You might want to ask her about those details."

He did not ask about those details., Also, as you can see, I was talking pretty calmly and rationally. He instead responded that I did not want to talk to him. I pulled up more emails showing him that I had said as a few weeks ago that I do want to talk to him. When I caught him in this lie, which I recommend you talk to him about if you care about this, he responded in a one-sentence email on Nov. 27th, 2020: "There is no reason, no excuse, no justification whatsoever for you to ever call your sister the names you did." If you don't believe any of this, ask to see the emails from him. I'm fine if he shows all of them to you.

None of our exchange was about "my behavior in various situations"; it was because I had called [my sister] some names. Now, if I was actually mentally ill and he actually thought that I had called her those names because of mental illness, I shouldn't be held responsible for what I had done. On the other hand, if I should be held responsible for calling [my sister] names, then there was no reason to bring up mental illness. Instead I get called or it's implied that I'm mentally ill when it suits him and I'm held responsible for what I do that he doesn't like when it suits him. Again, this person should not have control over my finances. It is dangerous for me. It is actually bad for my mental health.

Goodbye.

Email #6 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 1:24 AM

This relationship with my dad is really, really bad for me. Please help me get out of this. This is a cry for help. Please, help me get out of this. I need to not be in this relationship with him anymore. Please help me. I cannot say it more directly.

Email #7 DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:07 AM

Let me say this, too. [step-sister #1 and step-sister #2], I am so sorry I freaked you out last summer. [Step-brother #2], I hope things can get better between us. [Step-brother #1 and his wife], y’all rock. Anyone else I’ve upset or just made feel like you can’t approach me comfortably, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I’ve learned a lot in the last year about what’s going on, and I don’t expect things like what happened last summer to happen again in the future.

My brother and sister won’t help me so I need to reach out to step family. My dad is not responding to my texts telling him that I want out of the relationship. [My step-mother] is intent on being happy only if things between my dad and I are patched up. That’s what’s going on. I need help badly.

I admit totally that what went on last summer was confusing and crazy. It felt that way for me too. Again, I’m really sorry for scaring and upsetting people.

One thing that hasn’t been the case is that any of this has led to me having problems with money. I haven’t always been the most careful with a budget, but it’s nothing abnormal, and I can stick to a tight budget if I need to. I therefore without any exaggeration can manage my own money.

I need help, please. Please help me get out of this relationship with my dad. It is going to end up destroying me even more than it already has if it continues. I need to be out of it now. Right now.

Email #8 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:09 AM

Sorry, didn’t mean to send that to everyone, but I guess now everyone knows what I’m thinking.

Email #9 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:17 AM

I keep feeling like I need to explain because in my mind at least no one’s ever really heard me when I’ve talked about this. Please don’t make me explain anymore. I’m 35 years old. I just want out.

Email #10 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13that 2:31 AM

It’s clear probably but I thought in the second email I had changed the contacts so it was just going to step family.

Email #11 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:47 AM

I feel like I should clear up what I said in the second email since I sent it to everyone., I don’t know what [my step-mother’s] thinking or [biological sister] either for that matter. I’ve tried to reach both of them many, many times about this and haven’t been successful before. It didn’t seem like I would be this time either, but I don’t know. [My biological brother’s] told me flat out disagreed with me, so no ambiguity there. I don’t know what my dad’s thinking either except that he hasn’t responded to my texts.

Email #12 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:59 AM

This is the last one I promise. I calmed down a little bit after I wrote the first email tonight. You might be able to sense the change in tone from the first email to this one. Please don’t let that fool you into thinking I don’t need help though. Please, please help me get out of this, I don’t know what to do if this set of emails fails to get me away from my dad.

Email #13 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th, at 6:13 AM

Since I left the hospital, neither my dad, [my step-mother], [my biological sister], or [my biological brother] has ever asked what I want to have happen or what would help me. That's a fact.

Email #14 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 6:16 AM

For people who say that they're interested in my healthcare and love me and are concerned about me, it's really, really surprising to see how little they actually think about what I need.

Email #15 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 6:48 AM

My primary doctor as well as my social worker at the Menninger Clinic, the hospital I was at, recommended that I stop talking to my dad forever. Seriously. They themselves refused to talk to him after an initial consultation because he went behind my back to ask if he could have private conversations about me with them--something he knew wasn't allowed. Two of my therapists in the last five years told me that my dad contacted them behind my back and tried to get them to talk about me with him. I forget the number but several different therapists have offhandedly diagnosed my dad as a narcissist, and they all urged or intimated that I shouldn't talk to him anymore. This is a problem. My dad should not have any control or influence over my finances. Please help me, and please get me out of this situation.

Email #16 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 10:54 AM

Someone please just let me know you’ve read what I’ve written in the last couple days. Please give me some kind of response. Let me know that some human with eyes read this. It was very hard to write. I am very weird and awkward when asking for help. Please, let know you’ve read this and are thinking about it. I need help.

Email #17 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 11:27 AM

This is what it’s like to really deal with patriarchy by the way. If you want to know what’s been causing problems my whole life, is the patriarchy. A feeling a lot of people are probably having about how hard this is to work with or what the right response is is probably related to the fact that you’re not supposed to oppose the patriarch.

Email #18 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 11:32 AM

Not just oppose but challenge the patriarch, I should say.

Email #19 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13 at 11:43 AM

Let me just say, the patriarch doesn’t know best and the patriarchy isn’t good.

Email #20 From: Dad To: Entire family Jul 13th at 11:58 AM

[My name], I have read all the texts you sent me yesterday and all the emails you sent starting in the middle of last night. I want you to know I am sorry you are having a rough time right now and I hope you get the help you need.

Email #21 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13 at 12:03 PM

Are you really going to ignore every substantive thing I said? Are you nuts? You’re going to drive me to suicide. I’m really not kidding. I need to be out of this relationship.

Can you guys see why this relationship between m my dad and I isn’t working? It doesn’t matter what I say. It won’t be responded to unless I pretend that what’s going on isn’t going on. I have to ignore and deny reality in order to exist in this relational with him. I have to, for example, pretend I didn’t make a bunch of reasonable, substantive points when I did.

Email #22 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13 at 12:11 PM

This is nuts. Everyone can see that this is crazy, right? My life is more important than the possibility that I’ll misspend the money that could or would be in the trust. You guys do believe that, right?

Email #23 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 12:16 PM

I’m telling you, this is giving me both homicidal and suicidal thoughts. You’re playing with fire motherfucker. I’m involuntarily having thoughts about killing both myself and you.

This is not what I want. Someone please help me get out of this.

Email #24 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 12:27 PM

Someone needs to say something. I already know when and where the next gun show in central Texas is because I looked it up this morning. Please, someone say something and stop this.

Email #25 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 1:04 PM

The thing that will solve this long term is giving me independence from my dad. That is the long term solution. Someone please recognize this.

Email #26 From: Step-sister #2 To: Entire family Jul 13th at 1:29 PM

[My name], I have read every word of every email. I hear and see the pain you're expressing. I can see how hard it was to write and share, and that it took courage for you to express it. I don't have the right words to respond yet, but I want you to know that all your words are being heard and seen.

Email #27 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 1:45 PM

Thank you, [step-sister #2]. I really, really appreciate it.

Email #28 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 1:46 PM

If my own doctors refused to talk to my father, why should anyone else trust him when he wields power over me?

Someone please make that make sense.

Email #29 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 1:50 PM

If most of the therapists I’ve seen have said that I should stop talking to him, why should I be forced into a relationship with him for the rest of my life or his life unless people don’t care about me?

Email #30 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:19 PM

No one’s making my dad have to answer for anything.

Email #31 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:20 PM

Is wrong to hurt people. It’s wrong to engage in relationships which damage and cripple people’s lives. He should have to answer for this.

Email #32 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:21 PM

It’s just because he’s a powerful man. It’s patriarchy.

Email #33 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:24 PM

Give me my freedom. I want my independence.

Email #34 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:29 PM

I can manage myself! I can do things myself! I do not need my father, who hasn’t asked a single question about what’s going on with me in a very long time, to do things for me and manage my life. I am able to live and thrive free of his control and influence. Why aren’t people reprimanding him for not letting me do that? He hasn’t even seen me for more than five minutes in two years roughly. He literally has no idea if I need his help or not, and he feels no need to justify himself about that.

Email #35 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:32 PM

I have been so invalidated so often and so many times that that I’m afraid that that second exclamation mark makes me look bad and people’s perception of it will ruin the entire case I’m trying to make. That’s where we’re at. Is that how you want me to live the rest of my life? In fear that if I use bad punctuation my slim chance at freedom will be rescinded?

Email #36 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:37 PM

Would anyone like to ask my dad his reason for doing what he’s doing I’m sure if the fact that he’s refused to ask me questions and don’t know anything about my situation?

I at least need a path to citizens like immigrants have. Instead it’s that this is forever without anyone ever checking if it’s what I need or good for me. Why am I supposed to take anyone’s words that they care about me and love me seriously if no one’s willing to check on if this is good for me. The natural conclusion is that no one cares if it’s good for me. No ones interested in how I feel. They just want me to shut up and obey orders from my dad like they do.

Email #37 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 2:53 PM

People who want to write me off as crazy should ask themselves, why is [my dad] the only person [my name] has ever had these thoughts towards? Is that just random? Is it just a coincidence? Or is it because this person is actually doing something wrong to me? Is there actually a good reason f for me to be mad? I think there is!

Email #38 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 3:00 PM

This is hurting me. I want it to stop.

Email #39 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 3:43 PM

I want to be safe. I am not safe so long as someone who treats me like I’m not worth responding to is in charge of my income.

Email #40 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 3:46 PM

He has bullied me since I was five years old. [

Email #41 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 3:52 PM

He talks to me in the royal we like he’s a king.

Email #42 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 3:57 PM

He’s not even that intelligent. People say he is but they neglect to mention what a moron he is relationally.

Email #43 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 4:01 PM

He just wants to have power over someone, and that person happens to be me. How would you feel if it was you? Wouldn’t you want someone to stand up for you?

Email #44 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 4:09 PM

I need this to stop. This is hurting me.

Email #45 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 4:15 PM

I’m still a person. Just because I’ve been to a hospital doesn’t mean I’m not a person.

Email #46 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 4:15 PM

I have feelings, too.

Email #47 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 4:19 PM

I’m dying every day because of this

Email #48 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 4:27 PM

When I told him that the doctors at Menninger were out of ideas and didn’t have more ideas for medication, he told me that the doctors at Menninger had failed me and that I should go see some others. This a man with no medical expertise at all. He says what he says to make sure that he continues to have power and control over me.

Email #49 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 4:31 PM

I hope at this point that I can say without being reprimanded that he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t love me at all. Some people need to have power over other people to feel good. That’s what this is about. He’s always had to have power. First as the president of his fraternity. Then as an executive at a pipeline company. Note that he’s retired, he has power over me. I’m what he uses to feel good about himself.

Email #50 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 4:32 PM

Can you see why I wanted to kill him?

Email #51 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 8:34 PM

We need a long-term solution to this

Email #52 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 9:15 PM

Nothing's been solved long-term. This is not good. But I'm the crazy one, right?

Email #53 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13 at 9:17 PM

I think the best long-term solution is me having independence. What can we do to make that happen?

Email #54 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 9:49 PM

I'd like to have a pathway to independence. What can I do to prove that I am capable of taking care of money?

Email #55 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 10:02 PM

Me to one of the top psychiatrists in the country: Medicine doesn't make it so that when someone's an asshole to you you don't get angry at them.

Him: That's correct.

I got prescribed propranolol as a PRN for when/if I have anger that leads to homicidal thoughts. Propranolol is a beta- blocker. That's the best solution medication-wise that's available. If you guys feel that me taking a beta-blocker will solve this problem, then please don't say anything.

Email #56 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 10:16 PM

I didn’t realize it for a long time, that people didn’t see me as having a valid point of view anymore. That I’m just crazy (in their minds). But I realized it tonight. If I had known that that’s how people were interpreting what I said I would have acted so much differently. No one has the courage to tell me that that’s what they were thinking though.

Email #57 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 10:21 PM

Is so weird to realize that if you left this earth, almost no one in the family would miss you.

Email #58 From: DB To: Entire family Jul 13th at 10:30 PM

I’m talking to brick walls. I guess it’s time to change that.